Positivity, Always (Except for Pregnancy & STD Tests)

 I've finally come to the realisation (acceptance?) that I am/can sometimes be negative. Not awfully, but quite. The cynicism and harsh dose of reality is something my friends and colleagues are used to, but I don't think it's particularly helpful in the relationship department (for both new friends and more-than-friends).

Over the years, I've come to really manage my anger quite well through having internal monologues. As in, I just rant my heart out inside my mind, then say what needs to be said in a generally PC and neutral way. I think this is something I need to do with my negative thoughts, too.

What do I mean by negative? It's not the traditional "Oh, I don't think acting's a good career path." "Maybe a short bob won't work so well for your face shape." Absolutely not. I am generally quite supportive and, even if the decision is wildly just...bad...I try to be neutrally positive about it. E.g. "Acting's worth pursuing as long as you're serious about it and have plan A and B ready to go." "Why not try a wig or Photoshopping your face to see if you like the look first." 

I am moreso negative about myself or my own life. I downplay my achievements not because of humility, but because I genuinely don't think it's impressive. It's cool that I'm an expat? My family migrated to Singapore and my sister migrated to the US (New York!!!) so it's nothing new. I'm really good at (my 3rd language)? My English is far better, so until my second and third language reach that level, I won't accept that compliment.

I hate being complimented, and the way I tackle anger/negativity is to talk it out. But I haven't had to make new friends or start dating til recently, and negative stuff is not exactly a convo starter for new relationships, so I'm struggling to compartmentalise my thoughts to make sure I don't say anything bad.

I don't plan to be deliriously, blindly positive. Rather, I want to offset the negativity with positivity to achieve true neutrality. 

Person: How's work?

Me (before): Super stressful and tiring hahah but it is what it is

Me (after): It's alright, been a bit tough but nothing I can't manage

See, it's not a super stark difference, but I guess it speaks to the way I perceive things. Work is absolute shet, don't get me wrong. But if I'm too brutally honest, it just sounds...negative. Like it brings down the mood. I aim to keep the mood up and if the subject matter brings me down, I just change the subject to something more positive.

(I can always just rant to friends or here later on, anyway.)

I've so far been managing my care-less-ness (see what I did there) so I've found some sort of peace. So while I'm in the zone, let's get an inner glow up.

Also––more "so"s, less "but"s in sentences. Less I. Say less, listen more. The trash ends up taking itself, so let it do the hard work for you.

(I say say only la, see if I can pull it off anot.)

7 Stages of Grief, but It's Stress

 ...and I'm in the final stage––feels more like burnout than acceptance.

I have been disappointed by people over and over, time and time again. But the last month has been rough. Coupled with seasonal depression, loneliness, people not meeting basic expectations (I mean, cancelling plans twice in a row without rescheduling? Get out.) and a host of other somewhat annoying moments have been slowly filling up a meter that exists deep in a corner of my mind. Alas, it's that time again where the meter has maxed out and the contents need to be dumped out.

Usually, I opt for a good cry. I'm not a fan of theatrics, especially when I have a roommate whom I just might conjure at my door if she were to hear me weeping.  I like to cry silently because it works in any location. In my room at the witching hour, on the 30-min walk home, in the office toilet cubicle. It all works!

But these days I feel different. The pile of work no longer stresses me out. Management's stupid decisions no longer upset me. I'm in the same zone I used to get into when working on pitches at 4am on a Saturday morning in the office. It's just logical thinking, no feeling. And I can't tell if this is a good or bad thing.

All this started on Jan 1st, actually. When a boy I made plans with cancelled on me for the second time. Normally I'd be upset, and I do admit that sometimes I quite like playing the victim. (Very rarely, ok?) But this time, I foresaw him cancelling. Flakiness is one of my biggest pet peeves, along with lateness. Just SAY you don't want to go, don't get my hopes up and dash them!!!! I knew he'd cancel despite me telling him multiple times that it was okay to reschedule for as long as he told me ahead of time.

We were meant to meet for dinner. Say, 5 or 6pm? 

I went for a walk at about 3:30, knowing it'd be the only thing I did that day. It's about a 1.5-hour walk to a random train station. Ok, not so random cos I've been there before, but I get to walk past a river? Lake? Anyway, I messaged him some time after 5pm to say "So...I guess today's off lol". I had to text. After it was time to meet. To which he replied "Yep thank you sorry". Normally I'd feel annoyed, but this time I felt calm. The weather was cool but I was warm in a fuzzy jacket & hoodie combo, with a hot pack keeping my fingers from falling off. The neighbourhood was pretty quiet and, even when every café was either full or closed for New Years, I didn't feel annoyed. I just found a little corner café and drank their Hersheys ice chocolate, then walked home. Even stuck to my diet and didn't get one of their delicious-looking bakes. Better Than Cookie, they were called. Too bad I'll never find out for myself.

Anyway, suddenly I felt good. I don't know what it was exactly, but I just felt like whatever, in a good way.

Today was actually pretty rough too. Mondays mean weekly report, mornings mean daily backend updates, and anything before 11am means product launch prep. Today was such a Monday where I got attacked with all 3, and since I'm now the entire content marketing team, it was all my taiji. My problem to handle. My bualz to juggle like the clown-slash-jester that I am. Honk honk. 

And yet, I managed. Which reminded me of the fact that I am, in fact, pretty good at handling a shit ton of work without falling under pressure. What I forgot was that I needed to take 'care' out of it. I don't mean care like being thorough, checking grammar & spelling, submitting files correctly, etc; I just mean, I feel no care for whether the outcome is my best work or something mediocre. In fact, mediocrity is now my baseline. The passion sort of just got eroded, and I think within the last month of realising how the big guy(s) would truly never care about me or the quality of work we do unless my name is 'Profit', the last little bits of that passion got blown into the wind.

As someone who cares a lot about their work and career, I no longer do. Not here, anyways.

I hope this calmness sticks. Usually around this time when I feel my period might come soon, I tend to feel angrier and more tired and just worse in general. I know losing passion isn't good but I think this is what I needed to start 2025. I truly don't believe it's burnout. I think it's more like my brain telling me, "there's no use of caring here, save your energy". And save my energy I will.

Happy 2025! Here's to hopefully a good one. Whatever 'good' is to you.