I regret being "there"

 I don't remember much, but I remember these defining moments in my life:

When I was in lower secondary, and I'd already established my reputation as being someone anyone can talk to, I'd have a friend of mine call me in the middle of the night. I was still getting used to having an active handphone, so every buzz would jostle me out of REM. She'd call me and I'd pick up to the sound of her crying. I was also not very good at understanding others' emotions. Apparently this was the very quality that earned me that rep in the first place. My lack of understanding was misread as a 'lack of judgement'. 

Which, to be fair, I wasn't judging. But in all honesty, I didn't 'get it' enough to care to judge. But it seemed to work for them.

I heard secrets from people I wasn't even close to. Like this one classmate in sec 3 who had a 21-year-old boyfriend. Why she chose to tell me? "'Cos I feel comfortable telling you, you don't judge." Ok lor. 

Junior college, another friend calling me in the middle of the night in tears. By now, I was fully conditioned. I'd reply texts at the drop of a hat. I'm talking, I can tell which app I got a message on just by the ever-so-slight difference in buzz. I still can, and I hate it. But it's an innate sense now. And even at age 17, while I did improve in the "empathy" department, all I could do was listen. I still didn't judge, but now it was different. I was tired, I was hyper-alert. Mainly, I was tired from being hyper-alert. I couldn't wait to reply a text. I didn't want to, but it would consume me if I didn't get that 'task' completed.

Nothing changed. In my 20s I had 2 different friends tell me that ominous 'goodbye' before leaving me with a single tick on Telegram. You know what it means. It was my worst fear. I was grateful they chose to tell me before they attempted, but I'm going to be honest: just when I was waning off replying texts at lighting speed, they brought me right back.

Then online dating happened. When I came to Korea, I was told men expect fast replies. This justified me replying fast again. I couldn't be bothered to play the whole push-and-pull game. This unfortunately made me very "burdensome". I never expected quick replies, but they felt the pressure. Then the slow replies which gave me anxiety because I think "well, they've ghosted". Of course, many do. But when they don't, I'm just causing myself unnecessary agony. 

I don't want to be on my phone. I don't want anxiety from being off my phone. I want to be able to clear my mind. I don't want to be the one people call when they urgently need someone. I did before, but not anymore. Not at the expense of myself.

I know what happens when I do things for others. That inability to choose myself and say 'no' is what ultimately caused an injury that hurts me so much everyday. Life is unfair as it is, why am I making it worse for myself?

I hate that my love life is being affected by something I've been conditioned to do, by myself, but not for me. How do I tell someone I met through texting that I'm not as overwhelmingly clingy as I appear? How do I not fuck things up for myself???????

In general, I'm sick and tired of facing the consequences of actions I did for others. I want to live for ME. I want to be freed from the shackles I bound myself to for someone else. I'm tired. Life is already unfair, I want to be unconditioned and give myself a chance to live as I am & reap the rewards of being who I am.